So the anxious feelings are back, but this time they are actually caused by something, so I guess that is something to be grateful for (clutching for anything at this point, I suppose).
Basically, I’ve been roommates with someone who is quite annoying and demanding. The lease is up at the end of May, so I figured I would tell her I don’t want to renew. She’s had issues with the landlord, neighbors, and leasing office, so I assumed she wouldn’t want to stay. I plan on moving my boyfriend in.
I had purchased some tulsi tea (which is supposed to help with anxiety issues) but I didn’t notice a difference since I wasn’t anxious. But yesterday once I drank it in the throes of anxiousness before talking to her, it did really help. Anyway, she was quite rude about the whole thing of course, and then said she may want to stay and rent the apartment on her own. Complete with her walking out in the middle of me talking and slamming the door, sooooo dramatic. The rest of the week has been like that, her drunk self coming home late and slamming stuff and waking me up, being very short with me, not saying “thanks” when I help her out or answer her questions, etc.
I e-mailed the landlord to sell him on keeping me, not her (since it’s his decision). He’s being a pansy about the whole thing and wants us to figure it out on our own (which, if I was dealing with a rational person, would not be a problem, but I’m not). I was the original renter, so I should be able to stay by default in my opinion.
After I told her that day, my heart was racing so bad and I couldn’t sleep and I was nauseous, so I took this anti-nausea med that also makes you sleepy. I guess it eventually knocked me out. The next day something similar happened, so I took Benadryl, which I really didn’t want to do. Last night I didn’t sleep much either, but that’s because I stayed at my boyfriend’s house because I needed his moral support and his alarm goes off an hour and a half before I need to be up. During the day my heart just keeps pounding and I can feel it in my hands and face, etc. I keep getting this burning feeling in my stomach and throat. It feels like I have a fever and chills. When I go for walks it helps, but I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t had time. I need to make time though. After a few minutes in the sunshine I am in the moment and not as worried about it.
I know that rationally, in 5 years, or 1 year, this situation won’t matter and I will no longer have contact with this person. But I am extremely sensitive, so this is like a total nightmare situation right NOW. Like I said before, I’m grateful this is happening for a REAL reason, but it’s still not fun. At least it doesn’t turn into a full-blown panic attack anymore. But it’s still affecting me. I can’t sleep at night because when I lay down I feel my heart pumping so hard and fast, like I can feel my blood moving through my whole body. Then after going to bed so late, I wake up super early having stomach problems and can’t get back to sleep because the ol’ heart is pumping again. It’s maddening.
You see, I’m such a sensitive person that when I walk into a room and someone is in a bad mood, it bothers me. So when someone is outright rude and crazy, it just really affects me. I know it’s kind of comical in hindsight that someone can be so ridiculous, but when it’s happening, it really affects me. Also, I’ve been dealing with some job stress stuff as well.
I also haven’t been keeping up with this blog as much because I’ve been extremely busy. I joined this awesome gym for a month, so as much as I can I’ve been going to that. I will post about it when I’m done. The gym is in between yoga when I can get it in, and of course trying to see boyfriend/friends/family/weasels.
Oh, and it was my birthday on Feb 25th, so I celebrated by going out to eat with my boyfriend, then another day my mom, then another day friends, then another day, co-workers. I also went to Butterfly World and the beach. So, I have lots to be grateful for! I just wish I could hit the fast-forward button and it magically be May 31st.
I am following all of my previously mentioned anxiety tips, but I guess in addition to being kind of grateful, at the same time I feel so damn disappointed in myself that the anxiety is back like this. Again, I know my anxiety is not nearly as bad as it used to be, and I have reasons for it, but I don’t like it. I’m seriously considering CBD therapy.
Sorry if this is all over the place – my brain is all jumbled. Hoping I get some good sleep tonight.