So over the last couple of months, I’ve kind of been in hell.
I lost my beloved grandma, and then a few days later my ferret Phoenix. A few weeks ago an old friend committed suicide (I hadn’t seen her in years, but it saddens me to know she was in so much pain that she left her 3 children behind).
I had joined this gym which I loved, and lost weight and was getting in great shape, but my number of abscesses from the hidranitis EXPLODED. I have been used to them flaring up at least monthly, but there were times I’d be dealing with 3 at the same time, and not in my normal places. I even had one on my face. So I had to freeze my membership and see if that was the cause, and unfortunately, it looks like it was. Then over this past month I dealt with having ringworm, I got misdiagnosed at first, etc.
My job stress started getting intense, as my workload increased and my team leads refused to communicate with me.
I’ve also been adjusting to living with Mr. Squee, and we got another kitten as well.
Not all of these things are bad, but they all contributed to my stress, which in turn made my PMDD worse, which made my mood in general start to get bad.
Stress definitely feeds the PMDD Monster. When things are basically OK and my stress levels are lower, the PMDD is a mild nuisance but nothing too terrible. But when I’m really stressed it’s like I don’t even want to be alive, it’s all just too much.
PMDD is the strangest thing. One day I am basically OK, then the next day I just don’t want to deal with this thing called life. I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to deal with work, I don’t want to have to talk to anyone. But, I have to. So I force myself to go through the motions. At work I can’t really say what I’m thinking, I just have to get through it. I wish I could just go into a cave and not have to talk to anybody, because I know I’m feeling/acting irrational, but I can’t change it. I try to fake it. I’m not sure if people fall for my act or not.
I’m super sensitive as it is, but I become even more so during this time. For example, Mr. Squee bought those scented trash bags, which normally I don’t like, but during PMDD time it’s like they smell like something dead. I can smell them from feet away. So then I lash out at him because WE ALL KNOW THAT FAKE SCENTED SHIT IS A KNOWN CARCINOGEN AND HOW COULD HE BE SO THOUGHTLESS (but really, he probably didn’t know).
I was getting to that place where everything felt so overwhelming and like I was never going to be OK again (like wanting to die, craving bad stuff, etc.) so I started going back to therapy. I’m also going to try to nourish and take care of me, and that means yoga and walks as much as I can. Getting back into my daily meditation practice. And of course, writing in this blog. So hopefully that helps.